I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
