I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
