you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
