I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
