Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
