woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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