a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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