I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Buhtt sex?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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