you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
