ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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