I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
