Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
3 2 1 whiskey
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
