Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
