oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
