You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
