It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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