I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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