I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
