Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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