youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
