It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
