this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
