I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
