Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
