Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
