I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
