Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
