yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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