if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
then he tried to convert me to islam
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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