the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
