eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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