im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
