Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
