seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
50% drunk capacity currently
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
