My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
