Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
