Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
