Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
