OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
