I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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