Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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