I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
