So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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