I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
