The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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