So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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