i think my tv is drunk
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
