im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
