how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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