Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
