I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
