Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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