and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
