I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
