I can text with my tongue
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
