I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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