you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
