Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
