I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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