Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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