i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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