someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
