I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
