so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
